Tag: pressure

Grace for Yourself.

Life feels like a stage sometimes, at least I feel that way lately. Leaving a secure job to step out into the unknown on faith alone feels like I am being watched more than ever, by others and myself. I feel the pressure rising from around me, but also from within me. Performance starts to kick in…last week I shared a perspective on pressure & performance and today I want to elaborate on performance but in a different way. 

Yes, performance usually stems from trying to take control of a situation and spiritually it means I am taking my eyes off of Jesus and not trusting that he already has a victory planned. However, physically I found that it means I am protecting myself. We all have our own ways of “creating safety” and it usually stems from childhood patterns. 

One of the biggest ways I “created safety” when I was young was by performing to please my parents. Early on it was as innocent as a silly dance or story, but as I grew older (and I am sure you relate) it turned into performing in school/chores (or maybe something different for you…sports/hobbies/talents/etc). Later in my life when any problem big or small would overwhelm my parents and I learned to be hyper-aware of problems on the horizon (living in a tension state of trying to predict the next thing) in order to foresee any “problems” so I could fix it before it happens. I believe this is what we call anxiety. Trying to control things we have no control over, living in a future state instead of the present. 

The point I am making is that my constant hyper-awareness of whats happening around me and a need to control it, stems from a need to feel safe. As a child, when you don’t understand how to process things you create your own solutions to keep you safe. Hyper-awareness was my solution and I got good enough at it that even I didn’t realize I was doing it. All I knew is that in certain settings, I would curate and perform leaving myself feeling drained but not understanding the underlying roots (to feel safe). 

A lot of our habits stem from childhood…but enough about that. The main takeaway is that God has grace for your need to perform (or whichever habit you’re struggling with) because he sees the heart of a confused child trying to feel safe. He is not mad at you for it, not threatened by it but he is so in love with you and hopes you run to him for healing. 

Note: Healing can look different – sometimes through prayer he brings peace, sometimes he reveals a season of growth in an area to prepare you, sometimes he brings life challenges to teach a specific lesson, sometimes he makes you wait, sometimes he leads you to new friendships, sometimes he urges you to ask for help whether it be from a pastor/mentor or therapist. Different people, different situations…God tailors his approach to you.

God is always in the midst of it with you & has so much grace to pour over you. It never runs out – not for you or anyone else. So today the message is this – God has grace for you, so have grace for yourself. Forgive yourself if you need to, let go of things if you need to…but don’t shame/guilt yourself when you are trying your best. Stand confident knowing God’s grace will catch you every single time and he is doing a good work in you.

Prayer: Dear Lord, thank you for your unending grace. Please forgive me of my sins and teach me the true way to live & serve you. Help me understand the conflicts within myself but always with self-compassion and grace – just as you extend it. Help me learn and grow to be more like you without focusing on the areas where I am not. May your grace for me create in me a heart of compassion for others. In Jesus name, amen.

Pressure & Performance

This year I quit my secure job to dive into the world of being a founder of a tech startup. Yet, when someone asks what I do…I don’t always know how to answer – I own my own business -OR- I am a founder of a tech company…I try to find the right answer but those responses seem unreal because they seem to “fancy” because the reality of being a founder in early stages is that your confidence in yourself is still developing and although I AM a founder, the app is not ready yet and the first part of the puzzle is raising capital (something I knew nothing about when I started) and the goal was to get by JUST ENOUGH to pay the necessary bills of the business and moving forward with the business plan and then BAM, more bills and another round of funds is required to keep moving forward. The cycle begins again and yes, I could just focus on aggressively raising funds early on but the truth is…those investor meetings would terrify me. I would be so excited about my idea, but I hated public speaking so the process of meetings where the spotlight was on me to present, answer questions AND ask for their buy-in (personally and financially) was sort of a personal torture (just being transparent here).

Fast forward to present day, it feels better. I have grown in confidence and knowledge but I still don’t have all the answers so the meetings are easier…but not easy. I still fight this feeling of “they will think I am not enough” and try to perform my way out of that fear because inside, even though I KNOW what I am capable of, others may not. When I have a vision or get passionate about something…even when it is hard, I commit and figure out how to get to the finish line. The element I don’t share very often is how hard I am on myself and how that leads me to struggle in painful ways, an internal torment (that may sound dramatic but talk to my support system and you’ll know that I am not exaggerating)…but I push through anyway.

That said, I don’t push through alone. God is my refuge and encourages me every step along the way. I have had more breakdowns than I would care to admit, but God has carried me through each of them – whether it be a worship song that calms me, my spouse giving me an encouraging pep talk (beyond grateful for his love & support), a prayer session that humbles me, a journaling session where I gain clarity or some other way because God is endlessly creative.

I do genuinely believe that the only reason I am able to push through in this process is directly tied to my faith. I genuinely believe God called me to this purpose, I have had this vision since 2017 and the knock on my spirit only got stronger since. God has been building me as a person, brought me to my spouse (who is an integral part of this journey, I couldn’t do it without him), building my professional confidence, my public speaking skills and so much more in between.

That said, today I am writing about PRESSURE & PERFORMANCE. I hope the context was interesting to you to help you understand where I am coming from when I talk about the pressure & performance. I listened to a sermon by Pastor Steven Furtick (Elevation Church) and he was directly speaking on this topic. He said “certain type of pressure points to PRIDE in your life” and that when we feel this specific pressure it is because we have disconnected from our source (God) and try to perform for our own purpose which leads to losing our strength.

(Link to the video: https://youtu.be/T-M64gZW2hM)

I hate to admit it, but it is true. In my spirit, I know God brought me here and is leading me through it, but when the reality of what I am doing set in…I put all the pressure on myself. Believing that I am the one that is looking at the bank account, paying the bills, presenting my pitch deck, networking, researching, planning strategies..etc. That is what led me to spiraling self-doubt and feeling immense pressure. I took my eyes off of the one who is TRULY leading this ship…of course I will doubt myself, I am only human. This process REQUIRES you to keep your eyes on Jesus because he is worthy of ALL trust and faith. I don’t need to doubt Jesus… when I am connected to Him and know it is through HIS POWER that I am where I am and that HE will guide me to the next step…the pressure evaporates. How interesting is that? A pressure that was nearly CRUSHING me…dissipates in the presence of Jesus.

Can I get an AMEN?

So my point here is that pressure comes when our eyes are off of Jesus and we begin to perform in our own ability which leads to a weary, discouraged, frustrated and unstable soul. Therefore, we must intentionally keep our eyes on Jesus. This part is not easy band learning how to do this is a process in itself but I hope you are encouraged by this verse in Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Prayer: Father, thank you for your love, your faithfulness, your strength and your promises. Forgive me when I start to perform for myself and take my eyes off of you. Reveal to me the motives of my heart and continue to correct me on my course. I cling to you as my refuge, my strength and my hope. I trust that I am safe in your arms and that you will lead me on safe paths even when I don’t see the road ahead. God, help me see how to be faithful in THIS day and not worry about the future. Grant me heavenly peace as I navigate the unknown and learn to trust you on a deeper level. My hearts desire is that I keep getting closer to your heart – help me remember that when I start to see the physical more than the spiritual purpose. I will make mistakes along the way but I will not be discouraged! I will cling to you and trust that I am learning & growing. Thank you Lord for carrying me through this. Amen.